In a historic show of wad solidarity, delegates representing gaywads and dorkwads signed the first-ever Wad Alliance Treaty Monday in the cafeteria of Tooele High School.
The landmark accord, whose signing was presided over by President Bush, is considered the most significant step ever taken toward wad unification.
"Now is the time for us to set aside our differences and join together in opposition of our common enemy--the mean, popular kids who have mercilessly inflicted locker-room wedgies upon us since time immemorial."
Gaywad Jeff Brunner, 16, agreed. "From this day forward," he said, "we will no longer see each other as dorkwads and gaywads, but instead, simply as wads, brothers united in our collective struggle against wad persecution."
Many of those present at the signing ceremony were overcome with emotion, necessitating the emergency use of a number of asthma inhalers. At least one attendee shot milk out of his nose.
"The road to wad healing has begun," said Bush, who, working closely with the THS Key Club, was instrumental in the delicate after-school negotiations that led to Monday's signing. "Thanks to the efforts of those on both sides, we can look forward to the day when the wads of this great nation can all sit down together and play Magic: The Gathering at the table of brotherhood."
"The countless cruel acts perpetrated against wads, including swirlies, noogies, titty-twisters, wet willies, purple nurples and Indian sunburns, as well as the throwing of wad headgear and retainers onto the roof of the school, have been tolerated long enough," said gaywad leader and chaotic evil magic-user/thief Lenny Berger, 17. "But such injustice will not cease until the day we finally join together, forming an unstoppable wad juggernaut to defend ourselves against the jocks, stoners, stuck-ups, cheerleaders, metalheads, gearheads and all others who would seek to destroy us. We can no longer afford to waste our efforts fighting against each other. Too many mathletes have died."
Addressing the assembled dorkwads and gaywads, Bush expressed hope that the Wad Alliance Treaty is merely the start of a larger peace process that ultimately brings all wad factions together.
"The time for wad unity is now," Bush said. "With this momentous signing, let the new wad era begin."
Depite Bush's optimism, pan-wad unity is considered unlikely in the near future. Numerous wad factions, including the dickwad, dipwad, jerkwad and A-wad groups, refused to participate in the wad accord. One fringe faction, a militant dickwad splinter group known as the "dickweeds," issued a formal statement decrying the treaty as "dork city" and "totally gay." But even in the face of such opposition, the Wad Alliance Treaty is regarded as a major step forward in the wad peace process. Under the terms of the pact, dorkwads and gaywads will present a united Audio-Visual Club front. And thanks to the treaty, the rifts that have long split the marching-band and math-Olympiad arenas are beginning to heal, as well.
The landmark accord, whose signing was presided over by President Bush, is considered the most significant step ever taken toward wad unification.
"Now is the time for us to set aside our differences and join together in opposition of our common enemy--the mean, popular kids who have mercilessly inflicted locker-room wedgies upon us since time immemorial."
Gaywad Jeff Brunner, 16, agreed. "From this day forward," he said, "we will no longer see each other as dorkwads and gaywads, but instead, simply as wads, brothers united in our collective struggle against wad persecution."
Many of those present at the signing ceremony were overcome with emotion, necessitating the emergency use of a number of asthma inhalers. At least one attendee shot milk out of his nose.
"The road to wad healing has begun," said Bush, who, working closely with the THS Key Club, was instrumental in the delicate after-school negotiations that led to Monday's signing. "Thanks to the efforts of those on both sides, we can look forward to the day when the wads of this great nation can all sit down together and play Magic: The Gathering at the table of brotherhood."
"The countless cruel acts perpetrated against wads, including swirlies, noogies, titty-twisters, wet willies, purple nurples and Indian sunburns, as well as the throwing of wad headgear and retainers onto the roof of the school, have been tolerated long enough," said gaywad leader and chaotic evil magic-user/thief Lenny Berger, 17. "But such injustice will not cease until the day we finally join together, forming an unstoppable wad juggernaut to defend ourselves against the jocks, stoners, stuck-ups, cheerleaders, metalheads, gearheads and all others who would seek to destroy us. We can no longer afford to waste our efforts fighting against each other. Too many mathletes have died."
Addressing the assembled dorkwads and gaywads, Bush expressed hope that the Wad Alliance Treaty is merely the start of a larger peace process that ultimately brings all wad factions together.
"The time for wad unity is now," Bush said. "With this momentous signing, let the new wad era begin."
Depite Bush's optimism, pan-wad unity is considered unlikely in the near future. Numerous wad factions, including the dickwad, dipwad, jerkwad and A-wad groups, refused to participate in the wad accord. One fringe faction, a militant dickwad splinter group known as the "dickweeds," issued a formal statement decrying the treaty as "dork city" and "totally gay." But even in the face of such opposition, the Wad Alliance Treaty is regarded as a major step forward in the wad peace process. Under the terms of the pact, dorkwads and gaywads will present a united Audio-Visual Club front. And thanks to the treaty, the rifts that have long split the marching-band and math-Olympiad arenas are beginning to heal, as well.
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