Camping Tips

1. If you are a sitcom character and your camping is going badly, do not say, "Look at the bright side: At least the weather is nice."
2. Though not widely reported, America's raccoons and opossums are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.
3. Lake and river water may be unsafe to drink. Steam all water and lick the condensation off a sheet of canvas.
4. Under no circumstances should you let your girlfriend go camping with that guy from her pottery class. Trust me on this one.
5. For a fun trip through fertile fields of the imagination, camp out in front of the T.V. all day.
6. No matter what people tell you, do not take a long hike off a short pier. Drowning may result.
7. Packing women's makeup and a feather boa will enable you to camp in a very "campy" manner indeed.
8. When facing an enraged grizzly bear, be sure to wear comfortable, waterproof shoes and thick socks.
9. A good rule of thumb regarding campground etiquette is that if a trailer is a-rocking, its probably best not to come a-knocking.
10. Our National parks are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous American wildlife. Be sure to carry a rifle with plenty of stopping power.
11. To hike, put one foot in front of the other, propelling yourself forward at a steady, workmanlike pace. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will theoretically begin to experience "fun."